I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
