the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
