you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
