Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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