I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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