So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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