I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
