Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
