Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
