I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
