Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
