Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's shark week go big or go home
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
