I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
