My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
