What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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