I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
