I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
