Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
