if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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