Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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