Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
