You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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