I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
