Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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