I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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