My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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