I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
