Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
