How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
