I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
