I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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