I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
