Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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