Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
