What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
