you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
