This is not my ceiling
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
