I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
