There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
