I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
