Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
