At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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