I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
