You really coming over, don't trick.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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