Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
