Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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