I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
