I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
