this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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