Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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