Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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